Anyway, I've divided the problems into the following: Health care, Economy, Crime, Unemployment, Immigration, and whiny assholes. I will list out the fixes for each issue as well as a timeline for each fix. I know this is odd but, it may be a refreshing change of pace. Here goes.
1. Crime: Fix time, three days plus travel time.
The crime fix is extremely easy and I don't know why this hasn't been done already. On day one I will divide all criminals into two groups. The first group will be the crazy ass bastards that will never get better. I'm talking about your Dhamers, Gacy, and Octo-mom. The second group will be classified as annoying ass criminals. Petty theft, auto theft, white collar crime, things like that. Once everyone is put into one of the two groups they will be released from prison. Everyone from crazy ass group one will be fitted with a GPS tracker in the base of their brain and then sent to another country. This kind of works into my foreign policy. If you are in a country that has pissed me off lately, expect a new house guest. Someone from group one. France, Iran, Syria, you guys can all stand the fuck by because you are getting one of our crazies. I will tell the crazies that they can do whatever the fuck they want, but they can't come back here. Want to wear Bin Laden's head as a hat? Cool. Just don't do it here.
Group two will also be released, but with different sentences. Instead of serving two years for auto theft you are going to be serving 10 years. Sure, you won't be in jail, but when you go out to your car guess what won't fucking be there. You guessed it. You like petty theft? For the next 10 years the Federal Government will come into your house and take things from you at random. Where will all the things that the government steals go? That will be discussed in our next section. Oh yeah, PETA, even though I fucking despise you, I'm a man of the people so I'm throwing you a bone. No more testing on animals. If you get caught selling drugs, you now get to have all sorts of the chemicals you love tested on you. Congrats. I feel that these policies will curb crime significantly. You will be much less inclined to say that your date was asking for it, when you know that an ex-con named Tyrone will be raping you in front of your friends and family for the next 7-10 years. Good plan.
2. Economy. Fix time, two weeks.
The economy sucks. Everyone knows it. No way around it. Or is there? 
First, we are going to legalize online gambling. There is an estimated 50 billion dollars of tax revenue lost each year from not taxing illegal online gaming. If you made it legal, more people would do it and thusly you could tax more people and get more money. Its a good plan. Plus, nothing stimulates the economy like a bunch of 20 year old online poker players with a huge payout burning a hole in their pocket. Next up, we are going to legalize weed. It will only be sold in Alcohol stores to people over 21. The federal government will grow it and distribute it. We will hire established grow houses to do this. Now all weed sales are taxed like cigarettes and we also spend less on drug enforcement. Finally, the stuff we stole from your house. If you were one of our group two people and we stole stuff from you, its cool, you can get it back. You have the option to try and get it back from Gbay. Its just like Ebay, except its run entirely by the government, so all the profits go back to you! Who wants taxes? Not me, with the billions made by selling products on Gbay all going into the tax pot, you pay less and get more.
First, we are going to legalize online gambling. There is an estimated 50 billion dollars of tax revenue lost each year from not taxing illegal online gaming. If you made it legal, more people would do it and thusly you could tax more people and get more money. Its a good plan. Plus, nothing stimulates the economy like a bunch of 20 year old online poker players with a huge payout burning a hole in their pocket. Next up, we are going to legalize weed. It will only be sold in Alcohol stores to people over 21. The federal government will grow it and distribute it. We will hire established grow houses to do this. Now all weed sales are taxed like cigarettes and we also spend less on drug enforcement. Finally, the stuff we stole from your house. If you were one of our group two people and we stole stuff from you, its cool, you can get it back. You have the option to try and get it back from Gbay. Its just like Ebay, except its run entirely by the government, so all the profits go back to you! Who wants taxes? Not me, with the billions made by selling products on Gbay all going into the tax pot, you pay less and get more. 3. Health Care- Fix time Six Days
People are asking for universal health care. I think that's a horrible idea. Anything the government gives away to everyone for free always sucks. Look at the difference between private school and public school. If public was really good, there would be no reason for private. So I'm not changing much here. I will use Gbay profits to open more free health care clinics. There are already a lot of these nationwide, but I will open more just to make people happy. However, instead of a receptionist there is a John Wayne based computer program. You have to explain to John Wayne why you are whining about whatever is wrong with you. If the Duke thinks you need to see a doctor, so be it. If not, he will print you a bus pass to Canada so you can whine to them and watch hockey at the same time. Problem solved.
4. Immigration - Fix time Nine Days
You want to immigrate to the US? Sweet! Thanks for choosing us, that's what the 
country was made for. However, if you didn't feel the need to do it legally, we may have a problem. You see, we have to make sure you check out and you don't want to kill us all in a fiery ball of flame. So if we catch you here illegally we are going to do all the necessary paperwork. This takes time you see, and while we are spending resources and time to check you out, why not do something for us? If we catch you, you have just enlisted in what I like to call "The Foreign Military" you will receive basic E-1 pay for 4 years while you serve in exotic destinations like Iraq and Afghanistan while the American guys get a break. You will still get the same training and benefits, but you just won't be hanging out here. If at anytime you don't like it, you can just put down your weapon and find your own way home, no questions asked. Just a piece of advice though, tickets from Iraq to Mexico are pretty pricey. Not only will this plan significantly decrease the amount of people trying to get in, it will also help relieve the stress of the combat troops overseas.
country was made for. However, if you didn't feel the need to do it legally, we may have a problem. You see, we have to make sure you check out and you don't want to kill us all in a fiery ball of flame. So if we catch you here illegally we are going to do all the necessary paperwork. This takes time you see, and while we are spending resources and time to check you out, why not do something for us? If we catch you, you have just enlisted in what I like to call "The Foreign Military" you will receive basic E-1 pay for 4 years while you serve in exotic destinations like Iraq and Afghanistan while the American guys get a break. You will still get the same training and benefits, but you just won't be hanging out here. If at anytime you don't like it, you can just put down your weapon and find your own way home, no questions asked. Just a piece of advice though, tickets from Iraq to Mexico are pretty pricey. Not only will this plan significantly decrease the amount of people trying to get in, it will also help relieve the stress of the combat troops overseas. 5. Foreign Policy - Fix time Two Weeks
See you guys later!!! Its been cool hanging out in your country supporting your economy and
getting bitched at all the time, but its time to go. We are going to pull our troops out of every country we aren't currently killing people in and come on home. Also, don't rely to heavily on those checks we send out all the time. As of today all funding and support to foreign countries will stop. Immediately. We are going to use every cent of that money to pay off the national debt and get this place firing on all cylinders again. Good times. So if you want some help with whoever is pissing you off today, maybe you should have thought about that before you called us the Great Satan, or told us we were the root of the worlds problems. America is awesome, so if you guys need some help, send a check in advance and we'll think about it.
So there you go, in under two weeks I have fixed all of the nations problems. I'll be waiting to hear from the government so they can offer me the President job, if it all works out, I'll still make sure to blog away up here. I love all of you guys. Except you. Yeah you, the one with Twilight playing in the background. I can see you and I'd appreciate it if you stopped fucking reading my page. Asshole.
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