Spartan Day Care

Are you tired of your kid getting picked on all the time? Are you tired of seeing children get trophies for not winning at sports? Have you wondered why your kids are learning about going green instead of learning how to kick shit talkers into a bottomless pit? Well I have fixed this little problem. All of us at Everything Awesome have opened Americas first "Spartan Daycare" and "Spartan Elementary".

Lets face it. Kids in America are getting soft. Way soft. On the first day of Spartan Daycare your child will be judged. If they are too weak or deformed in anyway they will be thrown off a cliff. You probably didn't want that kid anyway. If they pass the inspection your kid will enjoy a series of classes not found anywhere outside of Somalia and Idaho. Some studies say that children need almost 10 hours of sleep to be functional. We agree, so we guarantee almost 10 hours of healthy sleep per week. Our day starts off at 0330 in the morning with a nice 10 mile run. If you think that your toddler cant run 10 miles a day, well, you've never seen what a child will do not to be eaten by a tiger!

During arts and crafts time your child will be busy making spears and shields to be used on the slower kids. They will also make sneakers, basketballs, and grenades. This is how we are able to keep our prices so low. Think of how big you will smile when instead of bringing home a finger panting, your child brings home a bear carcass that he took down with a wooden spear. That's something for the fridge.

Some upper end schools offer teachers with a wall full of diplomas while other schools have poorly educated teachers that probably got there degree at the University of the Philippines. Where did our principal get his degree? You guessed it, the University of I'm Fucking Better Than You. That school had one graduate, our principal, Mr. Sean Connery. He has given his solid promise to look after your children as if they were a small annoying animal and give them no encouragement whatsoever.

Gangs are a huge problem in schools today. Violence erupts constantly and they are guns in school. Schools are always looking for ways to get gangs out of their schools. We actually bring gangs in twice a week so our kids have someone new to fight. Nothing builds confidence like standing next to a fellow first grader, shield in hand, and putting a sword into a gang banger.

Our kids enjoy three meals each day, as long as they can catch it. We release live badgers into the class, and the kids get to learn teamwork as they try to slaughter the animals before their feet get eaten and they slowly die from lack of medical treatment. The children will also get a healthy dose of vegetables, there is a tree in the back, it has leaves on it. Eat hardy kids!

We hope you will give us a try, because if you don't, your kid could end up like this......