Everything Awesome

How I can fix Americas Problems in about 16 days

2009-06-24T04:43:00.000-07:00

Listen, there are a lot of people trying to figure out how to fix all the problems in America today. Unfortunately all of them are morons that think the best job security is to enter into a popularity contest every four years. Not a good plan. Luckily, I've come up with a plan to ensure that all of our problems are solved within two weeks of my election. However, in doing so I demand to be known as the Warlord of All America. No worries though, you will find that I'm kind. Unlike cruel Obama who requires you to change, I only require you to electric slide.

Anyway, I've divided the problems into the following: Health care, Economy, Crime, Unemployment, Immigration, and whiny assholes. I will list out the fixes for each issue as well as a timeline for each fix. I know this is odd but, it may be a refreshing change of pace. Here goes.

1. Crime: Fix time, three days plus travel time.

The crime fix is extremely easy and I don't know why this hasn't been done already. On day one I will divide all criminals into two groups. The first group will be the crazy ass bastards that will never get better. I'm talking about your Dhamers, Gacy, and Octo-mom. The second group will be classified as annoying ass criminals. Petty theft, auto theft, white collar crime, things like that. Once everyone is put into one of the two groups they will be released from prison. Everyone from crazy ass group one will be fitted with a GPS tracker in the base of their brain and then sent to another country. This kind of works into my foreign policy. If you are in a country that has pissed me off lately, expect a new house guest. Someone from group one. France, Iran, Syria, you guys can all stand the fuck by because you are getting one of our crazies. I will tell the crazies that they can do whatever the fuck they want, but they can't come back here. Want to wear Bin Laden's head as a hat? Cool. Just don't do it here.

Group two will also be released, but with different sentences. Instead of serving two years for auto theft you are going to be serving 10 years. Sure, you won't be in jail, but when you go out to your car guess what won't fucking be there. You guessed it. You like petty theft? For the next 10 years the Federal Government will come into your house and take things from you at random. Where will all the things that the government steals go? That will be discussed in our next section. Oh yeah, PETA, even though I fucking despise you, I'm a man of the people so I'm throwing you a bone. No more testing on animals. If you get caught selling drugs, you now get to have all sorts of the chemicals you love tested on you. Congrats. I feel that these policies will curb crime significantly. You will be much less inclined to say that your date was asking for it, when you know that an ex-con named Tyrone will be raping you in front of your friends and family for the next 7-10 years. Good plan.

2. Economy. Fix time, two weeks.

The economy sucks. Everyone knows it. No way around it. Or is there? First, we are going to legalize online gambling. There is an estimated 50 billion dollars of tax revenue lost each year from not taxing illegal online gaming. If you made it legal, more people would do it and thusly you could tax more people and get more money. Its a good plan. Plus, nothing stimulates the economy like a bunch of 20 year old online poker players with a huge payout burning a hole in their pocket. Next up, we are going to legalize weed. It will only be sold in Alcohol stores to people over 21. The federal government will grow it and distribute it. We will hire established grow houses to do this. Now all weed sales are taxed like cigarettes and we also spend less on drug enforcement. Finally, the stuff we stole from your house. If you were one of our group two people and we stole stuff from you, its cool, you can get it back. You have the option to try and get it back from Gbay. Its just like Ebay, except its run entirely by the government, so all the profits go back to you! Who wants taxes? Not me, with the billions made by selling products on Gbay all going into the tax pot, you pay less and get more.

3. Health Care- Fix time Six Days

People are asking for universal health care. I think that's a horrible idea. Anything the government gives away to everyone for free always sucks. Look at the difference between private school and public school. If public was really good, there would be no reason for private. So I'm not changing much here. I will use Gbay profits to open more free health care clinics. There are already a lot of these nationwide, but I will open more just to make people happy. However, instead of a receptionist there is a John Wayne based computer program. You have to explain to John Wayne why you are whining about whatever is wrong with you. If the Duke thinks you need to see a doctor, so be it. If not, he will print you a bus pass to Canada so you can whine to them and watch hockey at the same time. Problem solved.

4. Immigration - Fix time Nine Days

You want to immigrate to the US? Sweet! Thanks for choosing us, that's what the country was made for. However, if you didn't feel the need to do it legally, we may have a problem. You see, we have to make sure you check out and you don't want to kill us all in a fiery ball of flame. So if we catch you here illegally we are going to do all the necessary paperwork. This takes time you see, and while we are spending resources and time to check you out, why not do something for us? If we catch you, you have just enlisted in what I like to call "The Foreign Military" you will receive basic E-1 pay for 4 years while you serve in exotic destinations like Iraq and Afghanistan while the American guys get a break. You will still get the same training and benefits, but you just won't be hanging out here. If at anytime you don't like it, you can just put down your weapon and find your own way home, no questions asked. Just a piece of advice though, tickets from Iraq to Mexico are pretty pricey. Not only will this plan significantly decrease the amount of people trying to get in, it will also help relieve the stress of the combat troops overseas.

5. Foreign Policy - Fix time Two Weeks
See you guys later!!! Its been cool hanging out in your country supporting your economy and getting bitched at all the time, but its time to go. We are going to pull our troops out of every country we aren't currently killing people in and come on home. Also, don't rely to heavily on those checks we send out all the time. As of today all funding and support to foreign countries will stop. Immediately. We are going to use every cent of that money to pay off the national debt and get this place firing on all cylinders again. Good times. So if you want some help with whoever is pissing you off today, maybe you should have thought about that before you called us the Great Satan, or told us we were the root of the worlds problems. America is awesome, so if you guys need some help, send a check in advance and we'll think about it.

So there you go, in under two weeks I have fixed all of the nations problems. I'll be waiting to hear from the government so they can offer me the President job, if it all works out, I'll still make sure to blog away up here. I love all of you guys. Except you. Yeah you, the one with Twilight playing in the background. I can see you and I'd appreciate it if you stopped fucking reading my page. Asshole.

Spartan Day Care

2009-06-08T06:44:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of your kid getting picked on all the time? Are you tired of seeing children get trophies for not winning at sports? Have you wondered why your kids are learning about going green instead of learning how to kick shit talkers into a bottomless pit? Well I have fixed this little problem. All of us at Everything Awesome have opened Americas first "Spartan Daycare" and "Spartan Elementary".

Lets face it. Kids in America are getting soft. Way soft. On the first day of Spartan Daycare your child will be judged. If they are too weak or deformed in anyway they will be thrown off a cliff. You probably didn't want that kid anyway. If they pass the inspection your kid will enjoy a series of classes not found anywhere outside of Somalia and Idaho. Some studies say that children need almost 10 hours of sleep to be functional. We agree, so we guarantee almost 10 hours of healthy sleep per week. Our day starts off at 0330 in the morning with a nice 10 mile run. If you think that your toddler cant run 10 miles a day, well, you've never seen what a child will do not to be eaten by a tiger!

During arts and crafts time your child will be busy making spears and shields to be used on the slower kids. They will also make sneakers, basketballs, and grenades. This is how we are able to keep our prices so low. Think of how big you will smile when instead of bringing home a finger panting, your child brings home a bear carcass that he took down with a wooden spear. That's something for the fridge.

Some upper end schools offer teachers with a wall full of diplomas while other schools have poorly educated teachers that probably got there degree at the University of the Philippines. Where did our principal get his degree? You guessed it, the University of I'm Fucking Better Than You. That school had one graduate, our principal, Mr. Sean Connery. He has given his solid promise to look after your children as if they were a small annoying animal and give them no encouragement whatsoever.

Gangs are a huge problem in schools today. Violence erupts constantly and they are guns in school. Schools are always looking for ways to get gangs out of their schools. We actually bring gangs in twice a week so our kids have someone new to fight. Nothing builds confidence like standing next to a fellow first grader, shield in hand, and putting a sword into a gang banger.

Our kids enjoy three meals each day, as long as they can catch it. We release live badgers into the class, and the kids get to learn teamwork as they try to slaughter the animals before their feet get eaten and they slowly die from lack of medical treatment. The children will also get a healthy dose of vegetables, there is a tree in the back, it has leaves on it. Eat hardy kids!

We hope you will give us a try, because if you don't, your kid could end up like this......

After Sex Menu

2009-06-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

A lot of times when you get done having sex there is an awkward moment when your partner doesn't know how to please you. Silly sex object....the answer is cooking! Even though some women know that you are supposed to cook after pleasing a man, they don't know what to make. I've cut down the confusion and created this menu so that you can select what you want and have your partner go and make it. This make cuts out a lot of talking that women want to do after and puts food in you so much quicker. Just print this off and put it next to our sex comment cards. Enjoy!!

Sex move of the week

2009-06-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

This week we are going to talk about one of my favorite sex moves and probably the easiest to pull off. Its called the clumsy dolphin. The clumsy dolphin is preformed by first finding a lady. This can be done by going to a bar around three a.m. and finding the girl with a really pretty friend. Chances are that shes already primed and ready to go, plus she's tired of seeing her friend getting all the attention. Hit her up and take her home. Once you are putting your smellies together slide into the Clumsy Dolphin. The basic move goes like this. When you are in missionary position you put your hands behind your back, then you are just laying on her thrusting like a Clumsy Dolphin. If you really want to up the level of difficulty you can make dolphin noises the whole time and see how long it takes you to get tossed off her. This move can easily be done after the Angry T-Rex.

Level of Difficulty: Beginner

Poop. The silent killer

2009-06-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

This is a public safety message from a guy that doesn't really fucking care about your safety. Did you know that approximately 440,000 people are killed each year in toilet related deaths? Diseases such as diarrhea and dysentery -- caused by food and water contaminated with excrement -- are the second-biggest killer of children worldwide, causing 5,000 deaths a day, five times the number dying from HIV/AIDS. Where is the public outcry?? From my own private research, I have discovered that if we don't stop crapping soon, the entire world will end. Just kidding, the world will be just fine, we just wont be alive anymore. As you can see from my graph that I made with limited research, pooping kills more people than smoking, airplanes, and jerking it combined. They have banned smoking in most bars and restaurants, banned on planes, and you can't smoke in any government buildings. However, it is perfectly legal to poop in all of these places. Why isn't the federal government stepping in to stop this silent killer?!?! I am calling for a nationwide ban on shit, more shit-talking, and a government appointment of a Smart Ass. The Smart Ass while be secretary of the Fecal, handling the government legislature of safe pooping. Next time you make a grumpy, think about the consequences. It could be the last thing you do, just look at Elvis.

This is a picture I saw today that made me think of who would take over the world when poop kills us all.

New Supreme Court Justice

2009-05-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

Today, President Obama named his new Supreme Court Justice nominee. Her name is Judge Sonia Sotomayor. I don't know a lot about her other than she is a woman and Puerto Rican. It also looks like she's rocking a "D" cup, although they are resting on her knees, its still a plus. Still, I have to say that this nomination makes as much sense as putting a condom machine in a confessional booth. I think there were a lot better choices, such as...
- Superman.

Look, you can't really top the man of steel. He has superpowers, and can read really quickly. He stands for truth, justice, and the American way. Not to mention the only thing he wears is red, white, and blue. Also, if CNN decides to make one if their pithy little comments about one of his choices, he will fly over to the building and jab them with his giggle crystal before the sentence is even finished. Pretty much a no brainer there.

- Johnny Five

Who better to decide what is legal and what isn't by a laser wielding robot with a soul. Sure he's a robot, but he's alive. Not to mention that Johnny Five always crazed input. Input indeed Johnny. Try reading every legal brief in history while Clarence Thomas is trying to figure out if you are fuckable. I think only a robot is up to that task.

- Stevie Wonder

Question? What do justice and Stevie Wonder have in common? They are both blind as shit. That works for me. Your ethnicity isn't an issue, because this guy can't fucking see you. Plus, when things get boring during a hearing, he can sing you a song. What a great combo.

- This kid right here.

There are a lot of wrong options, but not this kid. I'm a big fan of hard justice, so is this kid. Did your buddy steal your last piece of Fruit By The Foot? Nothing wrong with wrapping a large piece of steel around his neck and parading him shirtless around the street. I want to see what this kid is going to do when you ask him about abortion. Something tells me it will involve a branding iron and some good old fashion justice.

If you think your family is weird....

2009-05-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

This is just jacked up. There is really nothing I can add to this other than possibly an incestual furry reference, but I'll let it pass. This one is brought to us by our friends at http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/ Check it out, then come back. Then tell your friends about us a few hundred times. DO IT!

Megan Fox does love me

2009-05-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

Here's Megan Fox with an Everything Awesome T-shirt. I knew she loved me. Restraining order coming soon.

Sex Comment Card

2009-05-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken a girl home after hooking up with her at a bar, just to have her lay there in bed like a legless zombie? The only think that makes that worse is to look at her and think that she might really believe that she just rocked your world. Ladies, has your man ever one pumped you like a shotgun then winked and told you that you're welcome? Well, have no fear. Keep a few of these forms on your bed side table and let them know how you really felt. You're welcome.

Sex move of the week

2009-05-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

In the interest of public awareness, I am putting a new addition, the sex move of the week. This week I'm starting off strong with perhaps my favorite. The Angry Tyrannosaur. The move is set up in the missionary position. While in missionary you need to take a bungee cord and tie it around your around your elbows behind your back. The your arms are placed at t-rex position. Then all that's left is to roar like a t-rex until you get your squishy business. When its pulled off it looks kind of like this.

As a memorial day bonus a friend of mine from the Naval Academy told me about a good one, so now its time to share it with you. When you are in a room trying to get it on while there are people around you sleeping, do it nice and quiet. Almost.....too quiet. Then when you blow your load, scream out "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!" waking up everyone within earshot and leaving your girl with the pleasure of knowing that all your friends now know how good she is.

Fuck the Amish and the carriage they rode in on

2009-05-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

I'm making Friday, fuck with the Amish Friday. Why you ask? Because i can and nothing will ever come of it. The Amish have been climbing up my list of people that piss me off for years. Here's the deal, the Amish try to be cool by living off the grid. They churn butter, make quilts, and ride around in a fucking buggy that has precisely one fucking horse power and goes slow as shit. Every time I drive down the road and I have to pass a horse, I get pissed. Then they have the fucking nerve to look at me like I'm the asshole. Look guys cars have been around for like 70 fucking years. Buy one, they are actually cheaper than horses. I can get you into a Kia for about $47 bucks. I'm also tired of hearing about the "great Amish craftsmanship".

You know who does great work, fucking robots. I can make a robot make me a quilt and I could probably make it kill terrorists while making the quilt. On top of that if I was feeling frisky I could put a pocket pussy and a jackrabbit on it so it could fuck non-stop while it was making quilts and killing terrorists. So yeah, robots are way better than fucking Amish assholes. Stuck up fucks. But guess what Amish....I've got something for you. I'm importing another group of people that like to live off the grid. They are called Shaolin Monks. Yeah, these guys are going to kick the beard right off your haggard looking faces. This is America, and if we are going to have someone chilling around being weird, they are going to kick ass while they do it. So I'm setting up a paypal account to make donations to my Shaolin Monk import fund. I'm going to pluck their asses up from China and stick them right in the middle of Amish occupied territory. Then I'm going to create a blood feud between the two and watch the monks hop and flip all over the place. Its going to be fucking awesome. Then as a reward I'm going set up a live action show of Big Trouble in Little China.

How to eliminate the "glass ceiling".

2009-05-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

My buddy wanted me to write about some helpful tips to help women break past the glass ceiling. As you may know women often get paid significantly less than their male counterparts despite same or greater qualifications. This is something that women have been trying to get past for years. I have found the common reasons why women are looked at differently than men in the workplace, and some ways to get past it.

1. Ugly women are 86% less likely to get hired than attractive women.
While this isn't exactly a glass ceiling issue, its still something that can potentially hurt you when going for a job. If you find yourself ugly there are a few ways to fix it. The first of course is surgery, but I don't think that its always the best option. Its expensive and painful, plus a lot of the time you end up like a half microwaved barbie. I find the best way to make up for general ugliness is a procedure I call, "Slutting yourself up". This is done by accentuating the things that look good about you while taking attention away from your goonie areas. For instance, if your face looks like its been attacked by bees, maybe wear a low cut top, or a top that doesn't exist. If you have no boobs, maybe you should wear a thong instead of pants. Things like that.

2. Men feel that you aren't one of the boys.
I don't believe that women should have to change to get better pay, but the world is what the world is. If the guys at the office are acting odd around you, maybe you should let them know that you are one of the guys. The best way to do this is to announce your bi-sexuality. When the guys know that you also want to be notified of hot girls working in your office, and weather or not they put out they will instantly respect and like you more.
Another way to do this is to engage in male activities. Guys like to do guy things like watch football and fart. Maybe at the next board meeting you should let out a greasy bear fart and blame "Those fucking Chalupas" you ate last night.
Finally, guys will know you are one of the boys when you stop fucking bitching about shit. When you get your period, try just putting a band-aid down there. If you are cramping just punch yourself in the stomach and walk it off. You can even just rub some dirt on it.

3. Your boss may want sexual favors for a promotion
Your boss may from time to time drop a hint that he wants you to have sex with him in order to get a promotion. You should really feel honored about this. Not only does your boss find you attractive, he also wants to have a "merger" with you. That's great. You now know exactly what you have to do to get the promotion and it will probably feel damn good too. Problem solved.

4. You have the job you want, but are getting paid %75 less than males.
The best way to get that extra %25 percent or more is to put a "Tit Tip Jar" on your desk. Men will often look down your shirt. When they do, point to the tip jar and before you know it you will have your extra %25!! If you are stuck up or too good to do this, maybe you can just take that %25 loss as a penalty for the 3-7 days a month that we can't talk to you because you are fucking irrational.

Ladies, I know this will piss a lot of you off, but lets face it. You bash men every day and usually trick your boyfriends and husbands into doing things you can do, but don't want to. There is a huge double standard in this world and if we can't laugh at it, we can at least point at it.

This dog is who I want to be when I grow up

2009-05-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

Dog Attacks Grandma - Watch more Funny Videos

Pinnocatoe

2009-05-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

I wanted to bring this up because I googled it and got no hits. Whenever that happens, it makes me happy because I feel like I might be smarter than computers and could one day defeat an army of robots if shit goes south. Anyway. Pinnocatoe is a form of Morton's Toe that has gone horribly fucking wrong. Basically what happens is when you get sexually aroused your toe grows to lengths almost doubling its original length, or as I like to call it, gross as shit. I first found out about this phenomenon when I was licking on this Eskimo chicks toes. She got really into it and all of a sudden it felt like I was felating a member of the Hells Angels after a long ride. Given that I was really weirded out and not comfortable, I just kind of stroked it giving it a toe job of sorts. She was really into it and wanted to put it up my sanctum sanctimonioum. This would not fucking stand friends. After about 10 minutes, I told her to stop, got on my walrus and headed out of there.

After I went home and cried for awhile I realized that more people needed to know about Pinnocatoe. Its a disease that these freaky fucks can't help. As of now the only way to cure Pinnocatoe is to hit it with a shovel or hatchet. Doctors are nearly helpless to stop it, plus they don't really care. If you want to help cure Pinnocatoe or just want the number of the Eskimo girl that toe fucked me, hit me up.

Here's a picture of a cool spider I found while looking for a picture of Pinnocatoe.

Why fertilize the hard way? Why pay more??

2009-05-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

Look, I'm as concerned about the economy as everyone else, and it pains me to see people throwing their hard earned money away. So when the Octomom craze really took off I realized that this artificial insemination stuff was really expensive. So I am now offering all natural insemination at half the cost that those wacky scientists do.

At the House of Awesome, we strive to give everyone a pleasurable experience. While that probably won't happen, or at least it won't happen for long...its still better than getting a turkey baster full of old frozen goop stuck in you. We offer cutting edge insemination, we are willing to do it in a variety of styles and positions, basically whatever you are willing to do. You will find house of awesome employees standing out in front of many of your popular sperm banks offering these deals. If you are tired of feeling the pinch of the economy, step in to my office in feel something better. The House of Awesome garuntees thier product, after your child is born bring them to us and we will give them the full spartan treatment. If our sticky love gave you a defective kid, we'll throw it off a cliff and keep doing it until we get it right. Thats our promise. I'm just kidding, we won't throw it off a cliff. We'll probably sell it to singapore to make shoes, good news though, we pass the profits on to you. Some of them at least. Remeber, if you can't find a guy to have unprotected sex with you, come see us. Our standards suck.

I made a condom out of my shamwow.

2009-05-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

Well, after a few close calls with pregnancy and one ill advised late night purchase I have decided to use the shamwow that works like shamshit, and turn it into something that will do me some good. I have created the cum-wow. It rocks on so many levels. We are all in an economic crunch lately. How much money do we waste throwing condoms away after we put our smellies together? On top of that, we are all trying to save the planet. Cum-wow is completely reusable, blow your load and load the dishwasher. Save the environment, blow in a towel. Cum-wow is also super absorbent. If you are having a gang bang, same time and money by everyone using one cum-wow. If you act now, I'll send you two cum-wows for the price of one!!!

Paris Hilton, her dog, and why we need more snipers.

2009-05-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

I saw no fewer than three news stories this weekend all about Paris Hilton and her fucking dog. The world is literally on the brink and national news networks are covering the worlds biggest dumpster slut and her dog. Here is the deal, Paris Hilton is famous for two things, being rich by relation and being a whore. It enrages me that Heath Ledger died this year but this living coke train is still walking around like a mobile STD. The thing that really pissed me off is when I found out that her dog really wasn't dead. I was hoping that Tinkerbell was licking the bottom of a monster truck tire while Paris warbled around and then a second monster truck ran her over. Why are there monster trucks rolling all over the place? Because its my fantasy. Also in my fantasy there are snipers that look like Super Mario hanging out in clouds, then they shoot her with bullets made of bacon. None of that stuff will ever happen. Most likely Paris Hilton will be one of those things we look back at in a few decades and laugh at. I know what some of you are thinking, I'm pissed that she didn't pick me as her new BFF. Yes, I am. But I think we are both trying to put that past us. Here's to hoping that we find Paris Hilton impaled on a dick and we can put this unfortunate celebrity behind us.

If I was a superhero, i'd probably suck at it

2009-05-18T05:14:00.000-07:00

Every kid wants to be a superhero, in fact, most adult males still want to be a superhero. I for one, think about it every time I drive to or from work. Mostly I think about being Magneto so I could pick up cars and throw them out of my way so I would never have to sit in fucking traffic again. People would be like "Oh shit, here comes Magneto, pull over so he doesn't throw your car half a mile and make it look like a penis. Boy that guy probably has a huge crank."
Spider-Man's creepy uncle said that with great power comes great responsibility. Well, as you may have guessed I'm not really that big into responsibility. If I had power I would use it either to get laid, or to get tons of money. Think about how awesome it would be to have Superman's power and reputation, then show up at the club. I hope they would play "Superman that ho" so I could then pick up the girl of my choice, fly her out of the club, have sex with her mid air, and then drop her from a huge height. Given, this probably wouldn't happen a lot as word would get out and women would get wise, probably looking ugly on purpose to avoid my lust.
There would be a downside to getting powers. If I got Aquamans powers I would be pissed as shit. The only cool thing you could do is hang out at the bottom of the rec center pool and pretend you are dead. Then when the lifeguards dive in you can swim away. Maybe you could use your telepathy to get dolphins to blow you, but that probably wouldn't feel good either.
All in all, I would probably be the worlds worst superhero or villain. Now I'm back to trying to be an astronaut.

Miley Fucking Cyrus

2009-05-15T15:45:00.001-07:00

So I guess I was in the dark about this Hannah Montana chick until Christmas when I was suddenly fucking bombarded by her all over the T.V. In case you are like me I will take some time out to let you know who she is and how to avoid her at all costs.

First off, avoiding her in person will not be that hard as a ticket to her show can run as high as $17,000 for a suite. That is actually more expensive than a 2004 Cadillac. On the lower end of the ticket pricing you can get a floor ticket for about $1,600 dollars. Keep in mind that it costs approximately $1,100 to feed a family of four for a year. Before you by the tickets, ask yourself, is this chick worth a year of food. In case you were wondering, its no. Always no. I might spend that kind of money to watch a Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton coke fed sex show, but not this chick.

So basically this is what happened. Billy Ray Cyrus, the singer of such hits as "Achy Breaky Heart" and "Please God don't let me be a one hit wonder." Used his mullet of power to squirt country time man lemonade inside of an equally ignorant hillbilly. 9 months later the future winner of Pop Magazines "Poptastic Queen" award was born.

Miley Cyrus is what her stage name is, but her given name is actually Destiny Hope Cyrus, which translates to Redneck Hillbilly Hillbillygod. So she grows up with Dad looking over her with his Mullet o' Power and he uses its evil to get her a role on a Disney T.V. show called Hannah Montana. Which if you think of it is a really good idea because that always turns out really well. Then as a stroke of mad desperation Billy Ray auditions as her dad. Disney gives him the role because Michael Eisner really likes collecting souls and Billy Rays would make a fine addition. A few years later Miley Cyrus is #17 on Forbes richest 25 and under, earning on average 3.5 million a year. Here is the sad part. Her voice sounds like my asshole the morning after nickle taco night. This kid sings like achy breaky shit. But hey, if Disney packages it, our mindless society will fucking buy it. So whats next you ask? I've got the next 10 years or so planned out.

Famous Disney Stars!!

2008 - 2010
Miley will probably do a few higher profile movies, maybe even something that grosses over 2 million at the box office. She will become a staple of the Hollywood late night scene suddenly becoming really really close with Tara Reid. Billy Ray says, "Oh Shit here it comes."

2010-2013
Miley is in and out of rehab, Disney calls every once in awhile but its only to ask her if she knows who stole things from Eisners desk. She will do a reunion concert with some of her Hannah Montana cohorts, but it will be an epic failure as she shows up drunk on stage and throws up on a stage hand. Billy is off in the corner crying into money. Sometime later she surfaces on the Internet sucking off some random guy that hangs around the Viper room trying to fuck washed up celebs.

2013-2016
Miley tries to talk Playboy into letting her pose. They agree but only if she pays them. Britney Spears is the godmother of three out of six of Mileys kids who are named, Crack, Smack, Tara, Jamal, White Pony, and Sugar Pie. She goes on Dr. Phil a few times to talk about what happened to her. Dr. Phil check his nails repeatedly and flirts with the idea of doing coke off her ass. Thinks better of it.

2016-2020
Miley turns her shit around and marrys a trailer salesman in Eastern Kentucky who quote, "Always admired and respected Billy Ray Cyrus."

I must say as much as I hate watching these stupid fucks on t.v, I sure do love watching them melt down right before my eyes. Its like an atom bomb with a mini skirt. Hilarious. Well, good job Billy Ray, you could have just left the world alone and worked a backhoe the rest of your life, but you gave the world the next Britney Spears. Thanks bro.

Vegans, holy shit.

2009-05-15T15:34:00.002-07:00

Did you know that 1.3% of the US population is Vegan? 1.5% of the population claimed that they were Jedi on the census. So to break that down for you, more people believe that they are actually living in Star Wars world, than believe you should be Vegan. If you don't know what being Vegan is, its the Rosie O'Donnel of vegetarians. Its way the fuck over the top. Basically, if it moved at one point, you can't fucking touch it. I'm talking about not eating fucking jello. If your beliefs have you so fucked in the melon that you can't eat jello, you might want to re-think some shit.

Steak is Tasty__________________________ Cactus is not tasty

Look guys, i'm not one to tell you how to live your lives or anything, but take a look around. You are probably 85 pounds and smell like a wheat fart. Since the dawn of time big animals picked little animals off the ground and ate them. Why? Because furry things taste good. That and your body needs these things to survive. I know the vegan response, you can survive on cactus and shit, well not really, you can survive, but you can't fucking live. Do you really think that the animals give a flying wombats dick weather or not you are eating them? No, because they are trying to eat something smaller. 4% of Americans that consider themselves vegetarians think you are taking this shit way too fucking far. To combat this and try to get you to live a more healthy and carefree lifestyle I have invented the meat gun.

The meat gun is a triple barreled weapon that will engage non-meat eating targets at a range of 17 "Meaters" and shoot delicious meat based treats into their mouths. Typically the meat gun can fill three vegans with tube steak in about 30 seconds. If you are using raw hamburger it can have them full in about 15 seconds. Contact me if you would like to purchase a meat gun, I have a few extra.
Vegans, you are silly silly little fucks. The cool part is I can say whatever I want directly to you because you are far to tiny and frail to really start some shit. So what I am going to do is hit you with my meat gun on the pizza setting and make you cry in front of your father who probably hates you. You guys have a silly little lifestyle and I hope you get eaten by a bear.

Why Chicks Like Cats

2009-05-15T15:34:00.001-07:00

Beacuase they see eye to eye and shit.

Capri pants for men...WTF!!!!!!!!

2009-05-14T17:09:00.001-07:00

Hey guys, let me throw my 27 cents into the world of fashion. Before you ask, I get 27 cents because I'm smarter than dumb fucks that only get two cents. Its like the electoral college but with wit. Anyhow. I've been seeing these little items popping up here and there. Capri pants are for women, or lately women that have a penis. Capri pants basically can't figure out if they want to be pants or shorts. Essentially upon creating the item, its been confused ever since. Here is the deal guys, you have to ask yourself something. If I showed these to John Wayne, what would he say? If you don't know, here is the answer.

"You are about the ugliest damn woman i've ever seen. If I hadn't seen those pants, i'd have thought you were a man."

Pretty demeaning huh? Its your own fucking fault for putting them on!!!!! Here is the only reason for a man to wear Capris. If you were originally wearing pants and you ended up fighting a bear, then in a final move of desperation the bear tore the ankles off your pants. Then its ok. But there better be blood stains to prove it.

Here is a brief example of what would be said if you saw me in Capri pants.
"Dude, what the fuck?"
"Whats up Captain Cock sucker? I just got done fighting a bear. I was walking down the street and this bear started giving me fucking lip, so I kicked him in the hairy berries. He got pissed and took a swing at me. Naturally I tore out his eyes and choked him out with a Vulcan death grip that I made up last night while having sex with Megan Fox. So anyway. As I was mocking him, the bear tore off the bottom of my pants and he was like, whats up with your boot cuts now bitch. Naturally, I shaved the outline of my penis into his fur so all passersby would know who killed the bear. Wanna see his eyes, I kept them for a prize?"
"Holy Shit dude, that was the best story I ever heard, and since you have the bears eyes, I know you are telling the truth. Can I wear a monks outfit and follow you around so I can learn more?"
"Sorry bro, gotta go change my pants. Maybe later."

Drive Thru

2009-05-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

If you work in a fast food restaurant and you work the drive thu...watch the fuck out because i'm coming for you. If you are one of these assholes that gets pissed off because I had the nerve to show up at your place of business and actually want you to do your job, stand by. The next time someone utters the word "Huh?" when I ask for a number five I am going to put you into a trash bag and throw you into a river. I know the drive thru is where they put people that should have been abortions, but seriously how hard is it? Would it be easier to understand my order if I wrote it down and stuck it into your forehead with a low powered nail gun? Today, at burger king they told me they were out of mini burgers. I asked, "Do you still have big burgers?"

"Yeah"

"Well cut them in half and put them in the box."

"We can't do that."

"i'm sure your boss won't let you touch sharp objects, but can you give it a shot?"

"Huh"

"Just give me a fucking whopper."

"Huh?"

"I'm coming in there, i'm going to beat your ass, steal your wallet, find out where you live then i'm going to get your mother pregnant in some small hope that it will flush out your fucking family tree."

"Huh?"

"Whopper"

"The meal or just the sandwich?"

"Do what you think is best."

"Drink?"

"15 ounces of your fucking blood so I can figure out what kind of mutant you are."

"Did you say coke?"

"Slit your wrists and take a hot bath."

"I'll have your total at the window."

I think that if you have ever worked at the drive thru you should be chemically castrated so there is no chance you could get one of your fellow window lickers pregnant. I am going to get my own restaurant, make a giant fucking drive thru and stock it full of people that can speak English, want to work, and actually give you the right food. I'll call the restaurant, "Shit that is supposed to happen." If you read this after a shift at the drive thru window, do me one small favor. Go take a nap on the train tracks, or at least eat some razor blades. Thanks.

Celebs I think I could have sex with

2009-05-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

Most people have a list of celebs that they can cheat with if the situation arises. I've found that people put some really unrealistic celebs on this list, basically taking themselves out of the running for a nice night of jager induced pleasure. My list consists of celebs that I think I could stick with very little effort. Here goes:

Lindsay Lohan
OK, this is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel. I know that she's supposedly a lesbian now, but lets face it, her diving partner wasn't exactly the most feminine looking chick in the world. On top of that she regularly took the meat wad from Wilmer Valderama. If you shower more than three times a month and can speak English I think you are in the running on this one. My pick up line "Hey Lindsay, did anyone ever tell you that you are just like Marylin Monroe? I really understand you, and....I love you."

Paris Hilton
This one can happen with only two things going for you, proximity and ear plugs. Paris has a natural man deterrent, her annoying fucking voice. I really wouldn't be that into the sex as she reminds me of a blond skeletor. Except maybe Skeletor has bigger tits.

Essentially, I would sleep with Paris just under the assumption that I can video tape it and sell it. Or at least trade the video for an extra value meal. My pick up line " Hey Paris, check out your new BFF, its nine inches and as thick as a coke can. I call it the fence post. Its like Godzilla's tale without the bumps. I really understand you, and.......I love you."

Megan Fox

Normally I would think that a girl like this is out of my league, but if you look at the facts I think its perfectly doable. She is the new Angelina Jolie and she may actually be better at it than Angelina. But there is a huge flaw in her armor. First lets look at the degree of hotness on Ms. FoxHot as shit right? Indeed. Well, looking at her makes you think that you virtually have no chance, but take a look at her long term boyfriend. Enter Brian Austin Green.

This guy was only mildly popular in like, 1992. Its been a long time since, and somehow this guy walked out of the Dennys he was working at, and scored the hottest piece of young Hollywood available. How? Who the fuck knows. But here is what I would do. I'm going to tell her that i'm the blond kid off of Family Ties. Once she's interested i'm going to lay it on real thick. Pick up line "I'm just about to make a comeback, the 80's were good to be but the 10's are mine. Did I mention that I really understand you and........ I love you.

That is just the top of the list. More to come, as well as how to score a three way with the Olsen twins just using a pork chop and some apple sauce.

Bikini season

2009-05-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

Now that it is just about bikini season, its important that we review the rules associated with good and bad bikini wear at the beach. I found that about 90% of women and 99% of men know what good bikini wear consists of, and when it is appropriate. But for those of you who don't get it, i'll break it down for you.

Notice, this bikini user, there is no body fat, a good amount of boob and a pleasant smile. All of these signs point to a good bikini. If you further examine the swim wear you notice that there are small knots on both sides of the bikini bottom allowing the wearer to quickly remove them for instant beach sex. Instant beach sex isn't always a good option, its the best option.

A lot of you may be thinking that this is a good bikini, you would be wrong. Dead wrong. As you see she is wearing a necklace that appears to be made of metal. Large metal necklaces are bad when swimming because they can get snagged on dolphin or shark fins and you will be dragged out to see and likely molested by a mariner. Not ideal. When wearing a bikini its best just to keep the jewelry at home.

At no time, for any reason, is this ok. If you look like this, please go to Wal-Mart instead of going to the beach. I'm sure a nice night watching CSI and eating cookie dough will be much better than cooking your plump skin at the beach. Plus, who the fuck is going to help you get sand out of all of those folds. Seriously.

Guys, when is it ok for you to wear a bikini? Never. Never ever ever. Some men from Europe think its ok, they of course are wrong. Some men in America think that because its ok in Europe, its ok here. Again, they are really really wrong. A mans pair of swim trunks should be as close to pants as possible. If levis made swim trunks out of denim I would wear them. Bottom line. Guys, in a situation where you aren't sure what to wear, just ask what John Wayne would do. Usually thats the best option.

Miss California

2009-05-12T06:27:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of talk about how evil Carrie Prejean is lately. If you don't know who she is, good for you, move on with your life. If you still want to know, she is the Miss California winner that hates gay people and takes nude pictures. No no, not Sarah Palin, another hot chick. Interestingly enough, apparently there are problems with this although, i'm having a tough time trying to figure out what exactly they are. First off, the chick likes to get the boobs out. If you have a problem with a beautiful woman taking pictures of her bare breasts so that all of mankind can enjoy them, go fuck yourself. Seriously, go get a jumbo size tab of sianide from Sams club and cram it down your cock tunnel. You deserve it. A lot of people think that she is wrong for not liking gay marriage. I disagree, whatever your stance on gay marriage is, you should appreciate her nationwide declaration that she loves the dick. I figured the gay guys could really get behind the idea. Sure, she is a little misguided, but lets not read to much into this. She wears a fucking bathing suit for a living. The height of her career is getting a ribbon with a state name on it, who the fuck cares what she thinks. Seriously, this girl is going to be some dried up hag sitting in the corner at a swingers party because no one wants to pick the girl with a vag like an Arbys roast beef sandwich.

As for serious shock and awe at her having naked pictures on the Internet. Seriously, her job is to walk forward wearing a bathing suit. Lets not be too shocked. I'm more surprised when these girls speak in full sentences, vice posing naked. At this day and age, as long as its not a hardcore sex tape with a midget and a freshly shaved monkey, im good to go.

Why your driving sucks

2009-05-12T05:14:00.000-07:00

OK. So i'm driving home yesterday when a woman decided to pull out in front of me while i'm driving about 65. Since she whipped at out and came to a complete stop this basically made me defy the laws of physics to avoid crushing her and ultimately doing the world a favor. The move I made was so physically impossible that Stephen Hawkings not only got a hard on, he reached down and touched it. To make matters worse, this woman who I can only guess was about 250 years old, proceeded to drive about 7 miles an hour. This led to me informing her faults, which she had many. I did this by leaning out of my window, which was safe because we were basically walking at this point, and screaming at her as loud as humanly possible. This led me to think that we need to re-work the driving tests at the DMV to provide a more acceptable and realistic driving test. The test will go as such:
Question 1. You have just purchased a Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks and you realize that your car has no cup holders, how do you proceed?
a. Put the coffee between your legs
b. Hold the coffee with one hand, leaving only one to steer with.
c. Throw the coffee away, safety first
d. False, I would have never ordered a drink that causes me to grow a French vagina

Question 2. Your significant other is drunk and would like to give you road head, however traffic is moving at a very high rate of speed. You....
a. Ask them to wait, oral sex isn't worth an accident
b. Pull over to the slow lane and enjoy the oral and a greatly reduced speed
c. Pull over to the break down lane and enjoy it fully
d. Increase your speed because the rush from speeding can only heighten your pleasure.

Question 3. At your birthday party you discover that you are old as shit, and you no longer feel comfortable driving the speed limit, or going anywhere without your blinker on. You...
a. Continue driving, anything else would be a burden
b. Ask an equally old friend to drive you around
c. Have one of your socially awkward relatives drive you around
d. Thelma and Loise off a bridge.

Question 4. When is ok to smoke while driving?
a. It is never OK to smoke when driving
b. When you are at a red light only.
c. When you are stuck in traffic.
d. When is it not OK to smoke? Smoking is the life blood of the nation!

Question 5. An inferior driver has forced you to decrease your rate of speed, you...
a. Maintain a safe distance
b. Pass at the first available time
c. Honk your horn once.
d. Take your shirt off to let them know you are really down to fight. Abandon all plans you had for the day and follow them home. When they get out of the car, kick the shit out of them in front of their families.

These are just a few examples of what I think should be on the test.

The Ultimate Relationship Quiz

2009-05-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

Tired of filling out all of her bullshit Cosmo relationship quizzes? Here is Ragz’s own relationship quiz to see if she is really compatible with you. Ask her the following questions to see if she is the one, and to finally shut her the fuck up with all the damn questions.
1. When you pull out your penis, her reaction is?
a. Laughter
b. Says, “Not tonight”
c. Tells you that you are not identifying with her needs
d. Nom nom nom nom! (gets down on the dick)
2. Her mother calls while you are playing XBOX.
a. She has a long talk with her, then complains to you about what she said
b. Asks you to turn it down so she can hear
c. Takes the phone in the other room as not to bother you.
d. Tells mom to shut her face while Mr. Monster Dick is playing halo, followed by
nom nom nom nom
3. She brings friends home twice or more a week for nasty three way time.
a. Not a chance
b. She doesn’t want to jeopardize what we have
c. Fuck your mother
d. nom nom nom nom
4. Its her Birthday, she says she wants
a. Diamonds
b. Candy
c. Some quality alone time for just you two (No other chicks allowed)
d. A new Schoolgirl outfit to wear for you

5. She catches you watching porno she:
a. Cries
b. Calls her friends to discuss at nausea
c. Gets really pissed at you for something or other (you won’t be listening anymore)
d. Get pissed for starting without her

6. You tell her that you “accidentally” killed three people last night, wearing the clown suit just made something snap.
a. I’m calling the police
b. I’m calling the FBI
c. Get out I don’t even know who you are you fucking demon.
d. You must be stressed, how about a beer and some anal.

7. She finds you in bed with her sister.
a. I can’t believe you would do this to me.
b. Its over, my mother was right about you, you ruined my life.
c. I’m going to cut off your dick and feed it to a polar bear.
d. Hey babe, did you get too drunk and forget who was who again or did you just need something new? Either way, I’ll be cleaning up in my nurses costume if you need some more when you are done.

8. You decide to take her on a trip, her choice ( I know this would never happen, but I’m just saying, if it did) where would she want to go.
a. Alaska
b. Bahamas
c. France
d. The porno convention in Las Vegas

9. Her mother announces a surprise visit
a. Mad dash clean up
b. A week of stress and she dumps all that shit on you and your XBOX
c. Actually suggests you should stop drinking and shave
d. Hires two illegals to answer the door with blood covering them while wearing her clothes. That should get her out of there.

10. She’s about to start her period.
a. She is bitchy for about three days
b. She is a little tense, but reasonable.
c. Eats everything in the house and her tits are sore
d. Pitches a tent in the back yard so she doesn’t bother you during her time of uselessness.

SCORE: If your girlfriend answered anything other than D for any question she is probably cheating on you or has something horribly wrong with her. You should probably try to get her committed after banging her one last time.

Support the troops...FOR ONCE!!

2009-05-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

To be honest I was more than a little pissed off to see that there was a "fuck the troops" group on myspace. I was even more pissed off to see that there was almost 600 people that joined this group. So even though I highly doubt that anyone that is a member of this group will ever read this, I feel the need to express my feelings to these people. So here is a letter to all 600 people that joined that group.

Dear assholes, retards, and terrorist loving dog fuckers,
I'm sad to hear that while fireman, policemen, and innocent civilians died on 9/11 you got to live. I'm sure all of the heroes of the NYFD and the NYPD would be really honored that they gave their lives so that you can shit on the people trying to stop another attack. Furthermore, I’m sure that every crying mother and wife that will never see their son or husband again takes comfort in knowing that you hate them for dying for you. Part of me understands that you are just fucked in the head because your mom probably breast fed you until you were 13 and daddy hit you too much because you were in the way when he went for some tit. I get it. I also understand that it is hard to impress the girls when you are a pudgy fuck that wears makeup and worships Marylin Manson, so why not stand out from the emo crowd and type something really shocking. That will get the cheerleaders attention won't it. She will think you are a real rebel and you are a person of substance that won't be deterred by logic or reason. But guess what you shit eating little fuck, no matter how much you hate me and my brothers in arms we will still die for your right to be a coward. That’s what we do. We have never and will never ask for your approval to spill our blood in countries you can't spell so that you can sit at home and play warcraft complaining over a non-fat mocha about how we are evil people. We don't care. I'm still going to go and defend your freedoms tomorrow. That’s what I do. My friends in Iraq and Afghanistan that had to tell their sons and daughters that they will see them in a year, don't know you exist. If they did, they would laugh at you, and that I am guessing would not be an unfamiliar feeling.
But I suppose I am getting a little too far with this. I really wish I hadn't mentioned you and the heroes in Iraq in the same letter, because frankly you aren't worth being mentioned in the same breath. But being a military man, I am action based, I like to make a plan and follow it through. So lets do a little test and see if you have the courage of your convictions. If you are a member of this list and you really want to "fuck the troops" hit me up here at myspace and we will set up a get together, either myself or one of my brothers in arms will fly out to meet you, anywhere in the world, we are used to it. Then if you have the balls to stand up for what you believe in, like we do, myself or a friend will begin to beat you until your teeth fall out of your asshole. I will beat you until there is nothing left of your body for your whore of a mother to cry over. I will do horrid, unspeakable things to you and truly give you a reason to hate a troop. You disgusting pieces of shit you deserve every tragedy that comes your way. In fact I really hope that one of you gets hit by a fucking truck today, and I really hope it has a support our troops sticker on it. I dare one of you retards to e-mail me and man up with your beliefs I fucking dare you. But you won't. Why, because those who have courage, serve. You will never know anything about service, honor, and courage. Your lives will forever be meaningless and you should be ashamed of yourself. I hope the families of the fallen never have to suffer the dishonor of seeing your pitiful faces. In closing, I hope you finally get to have sex with a real live girl one day and hopefully she will give you aids. If not, getting raped to death by a large man will do just as fine. Karmas a bitch and I hope you smile when it comes for you. Fuck your mother you camel loving douche bags. Support the Troops.
Love,
Uncle Sam and Friends

Anal sex and the elderly

2009-05-11T17:07:00.002-07:00

You should never discuss anal sex with the elderly, here's why.

Anal sex is always a hot topic. Sure, it comes up almost every day but you really need to screen who you discuss it with. I writing today to let you know that it is not OK to discuss anal sex with the elderly. The main reason for this is bladder control problems. Wouldn't you feel horrible if you gave grandpa the idea to butt stick grandma, only to find out that she had lost control of her colon. What a horrible situation that would be. Not to mention that anal usual calls for less than conventional positions that the elderly may not be able to manuver, leading to broken hips. So please, if you must talk about anal, drop me a line, but leave grandma out of it. And if you were wondering, I am drunk. And yes, I am touching myself. But just a little. I bet you are too. And if you aren't, you are probably thinking about it now. Go on, give yourself a treat.

Its cool to be lazy, heres why

2009-05-11T17:07:00.001-07:00

So, I was accused of being lazy again today. I have no problem with this as the diagnosis was completely accurate. In fact at the time I had just taken a break from playing video games during the work day, with the full intent of going right back to playing after I smoked. But the problem wasn't that I am in fact lazy, but that people seem to have a problem with it. Now, its not the lazy people that have a problem with it, we tend to respect the desires of others. Its the go-getters that hate lazy people. This makes no sense to me. If I were a go getter, I would love lazy people, as I would shine even more. I personally could do with out go-getters as they are usually up someone elses ass telling them how good they are.
To clear up some issues, i'm not lazy to the point where I will not work. I do what I need to do, then I go and dick off for a few hours since my tasks have been completed. Some would rather have me off persuing new and exciting tasks that I can then complete. You know who did that? Hitler. If Hitler were lazy there is no way he would have done any of that evil shit. He probably would have just hung out on the couch eating doritos. Manson, thats another go-getter. A lazy guy would have never been a mass murderer, mainly because there would have been a conflict between that, and an episode of the Family Guy.
I'll agree that people that do nothing are fairly annoying, they are just below lazy. However, apreciate them because they do create that lower rung, and if they aren't on it, you are one step closer to it.
Lay off the lazy people. If the whole world were lazy there would be no war or genocide, no giant power struggle, and the world would likely be united, as that is way more convienent. Love the lazy

My new TV shows

2009-05-11T17:06:00.002-07:00

If you are like me you have noticed that a lot of TV is crap these days. Sure there are a few good shows, but with the money people put in to these things, there really should be some better shows. In an effort to help out, here are some show suggestions. People from FOX pay close attention:
1. "Spin the bottle": See stars hot aspiring models play spin the bottle. 30 minutes of girl on girl kissing. Will get better ratings than Charmed I swear.
2. "Can the bear catch that guy?": Pretty much sums it up. Take a guy and see if he can survive a bear attack. Probably will work for one season, season two might have to involve a crocodile and paris hilton.
3. "Post Office": A lot like "The Office" except set in a post office, fans can tune in to see which co-worker will flip out and kill everyone in the room each week.
4. "24: Cancun": See the famed counter terror unit get blitzed in Cancun for 24 hours straight will fighting against the clock to have sex with girls whose age is classified as "Close enough."
5. "CSI: Alaska": Crime scenes, eskimos, sled dogs. Need I say more?
6. "Random Hospital Show, Las Vegas" Everyone loves to watch people work at the hospital, which is odd because everyone hates going to them. However, these doctors aren't skilled and some aren't even licensed. Watch the drama unfold as one doctor with a rough exterior and a heart of gold mentors a young intern. Gold mine.
7. "Fear Factor: Somalia": Contestants are dropped in Somalia and have to survive a week with fried chicken tied all around thier bodies. That is some scary shit.
8. "Baywatch": Uh, lets just bring back baywatch. That show was fucking awesome.
9. "The Rich Life" While Paris Hilton is pretending to be poor, we take actual homeless people and let them live in her house with her stuff and her money. Can you say ratings?
10. "The Great Escape" Take 10 smokers and one non-smoker. Lock them in a haunted house. Give the non-smoker a pack of cigarettes and take all the smokes away from the smokers. Give the contestants a million dollars per cigarette they have left after a week. I'm not really sure how it would turn out, but I'm guessing it would be fun to watch.

Dutch Oven

2009-05-11T17:06:00.001-07:00

Is it wrong to Dutch oven on the first date? Most people would say yes, but I think there are several situations where you should dutch oven the shit out of your date.
For those of you unfamiliar, the dutch oven is where you release a fart, preferably silent, under the covers then place the covers of another persons head, trapping them with the stink nuggets. This is generally frowned upon by the female community, but it is a time honored acceptace ritual by the male community.

The dutch oven has come under fire recently when a University of Arizona student burst in to flames due to a dutch oven. The woman, 19, was smoking when her boyfriend dutch ovened her, lighting her on fire leading to her death. The death however was not from burns, she was hit by a bus running out of the dorms. But this is not to say that dutch ovens are altogether bad. My wife usually tells me that they are great, just fucking great. Then she walks away and sleeps on the couch, letting me know there in no possible way that I could satisfy her more, giving me the prize of lots of room to sleep.
But it is safe to do on the first date? Experts say yes. But there are rules. First you must have slept with the other person. Then during the sex act you must have put a didgit or penis in at least two different holes, preferably three. Then you must wait until she is asleep. If the girl meets all three requirments you may dutch oven her on the first date. If the oven should go wrong, the appropriate response is to lie. Turn the accusation back on her and inform her that she pulled the covers over her own head and that she is making you feel wierd. If things continue to go wrong put on some underoos, go to the kitchen and start smashing coffee cups while crying. That usually ends most arguments early in the relationship.